• Ashley

Blank Space (Taylor Swift lyrics and fertility treatments)

A week ago, I was lucky enough to go to the Taylor Swift concert with my girlfriends. I don’t say I’m lucky for the fan-girl reason you might think. I can get down with a Taylor Swift song or two. I’m not a Taylor Hater. I’m also not a huge fan. The reasons I was lucky have very little to do with Tay-Tay herself.

Several months ago, when tickets went on sale, my friends wanted to go. I declined initially. Saving up for IVF and having a dog who was pretty sick at the time made it hard to cough up the expense (and Tay is EXPENSIVE). My friends, who are actually more like sisters, surprised me and bought me a ticket anyway. As they predicted, I cried when they told me. Again, not because I’ve been waiting my whole life to go to this concert . It was the gesture. The kindness. The thoughtfulness. The idea that they wanted to spend time together, that’s what mattered to them. The compassion and unspoken support.

Sometimes words aren’t needed to understand where you stand with someone. Sometimes, it’s a ticket to a concert for an artist you don’t particularly like.

Fast forward to the concert: it was SO much fun. We had time to chat, drink some beer (yeah, fertility diet be-damned), and make fun of each other…because that’s what friend-sisters do. I was in the stands dancing my head off. Screaming the lyrics, jumping up and down, arms-in-the-air-like-I-just-don’t-care dancing.

She performed a song I’ve heard a thousand times before and have never particularly loved. In the past, it didn’t mean much to me. But when Blank Space came on, I was FEELING it. <side note: did anyone else hear her lyrics as “got a long list Starbucks lovers” instead of “got a long list of ex-lovers”?? Nope, me either…I totally heard it right the first time>>

On the surface, this song has absolutely nothing to do with fertility. Or fertility treatments. Or this whole season of life at all. But here are the lyrics that spoke to me:

“So it’s gonna be forever,

Or it’s gonna go down in flames.

You can tell me when it’s over,

If the high was worth the pain”

Inching closer to the start of our IVF cycle, I’m trying my hardest to keep an open, curious attitude. I truly believe I was not ready for IVF when it was first recommended a few years ago because I had not yet learned how to do this; stay open and curious. I was not emotionally or spiritually ready to enter this huge risk without white-knuckling the whole way. And white-knuckling is not going to help anything.

Dancing in the stands, with my friend-sisters, listening to this song in a different way, I felt excited. The kind of excitement that comes before a very long, difficult climb for which you’ve spent years training. A “bring-it-on world” kind of excitement.

I’m sure my attitude will waiver and I’m positive I’ll white-knuckle my way through a good portion of this. But listening to these lyrics on repeat the next morning, I felt entirely ready. This will either lead to a forever for our little family or it will be devastating. Either way, I’m 1,000% sure we can handle it. And, either way, I will never question if the high was worth the pain.