My Egg Retrieval Prayer
After 13 days of preparation, we are ready for egg retrieval. I was surprised by the sheer anxiety that coursed through me when we got our surgery confirmation. Rationally, I knew this is how it would go: baseline tests - shots - meds - trigger shot - retrieval. This is the goal, it's what is SUPPOSED to happen, and yet it's still mostly terrifying. There is no fear of the surgery itself. So I sat down to write (because that's what I do when I'm feeling something I can't make sense of) and this is what I came up with. A raw, unformed, unedited, guttural prayer on the eve of our egg retrieval.
I come to you flawed and bruised. I have not leaned on you, trusted you, followed you, or sought you through this process of infertility. Instead, I cut myself off from you. At times throughout the past few years, hope and faith have been too painful. I have turned away from you in the storm.
I turned away because it hurt too much. It was too hard to surrender and let myself be vulnerable. So I stopped praying to protect myself from the hurt when the prayers didn’t seem to work. I decided to armor myself in case you wouldn’t answer my prayers in the exact way I wanted. Being prayerful meant having hope, and hope meant being vulnerable. And when you’re living through repeated devastation, vulnerability is not an easy word.
Yet here I am: the most vulnerable I’ve ever been. Preparing to put this whole process out of my body and out of my control. The real irony being – I never had control in the first place.
Today I come to you with tears in my eyes, anxiety in my stomach, and a heart leaping out of my chest. A heart that is ready to surrender. A heart that has felt too heavy for years. A heart I’ve unknowingly cut off from you in my efforts to keep it protected. Not trusting that my heart is in good hands when surrendered to you.
Finally, I’m acknowledging that I need your help. Today, I am:
~Publicly declaring that I do not have control over the outcome
~Humbly asking that you nurture and protect the tiny pieces of life we are surrendering to science
~Trusting you to breathe life into what is meant to be
~Boldly asking you to hold us in comfort, despite our flaws, no matter the outcome